Travel Rogue

October 10, 2005

Losing Poundage

Alright, so the five-mile Turkey Trot is in seven weeks, and I am ten pounds above my usual weight. This is horrible! Add that to my monthly bout of insecurity and I am a mess.

Ten pounds. It's really frightening, but for good reason. Once in my life, my 5'5" body topped 171 lbs. It never really mattered to me, I was secure in myself back then. I was confident in my abilities and pretty much okay with how I looked. I never had issues attracting men, so the extra weight never bothered me too much. It wasn't until my parents said, at Christmas breakfast, "You can't lose that weight, you're too old."

At that point, it became a challenge. I joined Weight Watchers and started training for the AIDSRide. I dropped 30 pounds in seven months. It changed my life. I felt healthier, fit into jeans two sizes smaller than before, and was not embarassed squeezing my body parts into lycra gym wear.

The catch is, I'm more insecure. There is guilt associated with eating that was never there before. I constantly check nutrition labels and watch caloric, fat and fiber intake. I try to run 10 miles a week and hit the gym on an almost daily basis. And I feel guilty and fat if I don't. It's sad, the change in my attitude and self confidence.

Also, being ten pounds heavier than my normal weight is somewhat traumatizing because it seems like a gateway to my heavier self. But awareness is good, and at least I know that once I acknowledge and dedicate myself to losing weight, I can. So it's back to journaling everything that goes into my body. Back to counting points and treating my body as though it were a task to be completed.

Weight: 150.6 lbs
Body Fat: 25.6%

Posted by carolyn at October 10, 2005 10:53 AM

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